My oldest daughter and I are having repeated conversations about friendship. What does it mean to be a friend, how can you tell a true friend, and the different kinds of friends have peppered our conversations for several years now. Most recently, the conversation started after a Sunday School lesson where they talked about how true friends are always consistent and supportive (teachers, this may not have been the entirety of the lesson, but it is what we got at home). After this lesson, my daughter was upset because she noticed that, at her age, this is not always true. Watching her eyes fill with tears as she shared the struggles of elementary friendships took me back to my own days of elementary school.
Making friends did not come easy to me. I came from a house with rules and I was a parent-pleaser. I was the child who came home and told my mom everything that took place in social settings - this does not win friends. I also did not have the knowledge that others my age had. We didn't listen to pop radio; we grew up listening to oldies, so I can sing a Beach Boys Song with the best of them. We were not allowed to watch PG-13 movies until we were 13. We were limited on the tv shows that were acceptable: no Golden Girls, Roseanne, or 90210 at our house. While you would think that this made me upset (and yes, there were some episodes of each of these shows that got snuck in at times), I really didn't care. I found that I liked the Beach Boys and the Beatles better than pop music. I read lots of books and played outside, so I rarely felt like I was missing any tv episodes. However, I remember the looks from friends when they "couldn't believe that I didn't know that!"
In addition to this, I learned early the reality that girls (I can only speak about girls because I didn't have a brother and I don't have a son) can be mean. The movie Mean Girls did not come about because of the "Pollyannas" who live around us; rather, it is a movie that was popular because it reflects a certain reality about how girls relate to one another. There can be a pettiness, jealousy, and meanness that cuts to the core of girl friendships. Girls look for where they stack up against others and they do this often by cutting other people down.
Fast forward some 30+ years and as an adult, I have found changes in how I relate to friends around me. I have learned that there are seasons for friendships and there are even types of friendships. As I think of my circle of friends, I find myself recognizing these different categories. The categories look something like this: the fun friend, the seasonal friend, the common interest friend, the somewhere in the middle friend, the soul friend. Note: some friends fit into multiple categories.
The fun friend is that friend who makes plans, gets you out of your house, has cook outs and other events that you look forward to participating in with other people. It is the fun friend that will make you laugh until you cry. It is the fun friend that can pull you out of your head and ensure that you enjoy life. The fun friend is the person you call when you want a day trip or a night out. The fun friend may not be able to go in all of the truly "hard" places, but they do know the importance of laughter. They are an important friend.
The seasonal friend is just that - a friend for a season. As we grow, our place in life also changes. Sometimes, there are friends who cannot (for whatever reason) move through each of those places with us. Perhaps they are a friendship of convenience - you work together, live near each other, go to school together. However, when the convenience ends or when life changes, this friend shifts into almost more of an acquaintance. They may shift from sharing your deepest secrets to sharing your Facebook statuses. They have an important part of your life though because they were a person you called on for a season.
The common interest friend is the friend that you call because you hold similar hobbies. These are the people that you ride motorcycles with, if that is your thing. They are the people that you golf with, if that is your thing. They are the people you run with or work out with, if that is your thing.
There are the friends that fall somewhere in the middle. These are the friends that you can share with, you know they will go a certain distance with you, they are fun, and they are truly special. They are important to you because they meet you somewhere in the middle of surface and "soul." I am grateful for my somewhere in the middle friends because they round me out, force me to look at the world at little differently, and show me truths.
Then, there are those few friends that are your "Soul Friends." These are the friends that would cross mountains for you. They know your heart. They call you when you don't even know you needed them to call. They sit with you when you are sick and they go with you through your deepest fears. They don't budge. As a matter of fact, they keep coming back from more. They challenge you and make you become a better version of you. These are the friends who do not know the bounds of time, distance, or space. Hopefully, you are able to reciprocate this. There can't be many of these friends because this is the "all in" friend. This is the person you call with good news or bad news and ultimately their friendship crosses into something much more like family than friends. Quite frankly, these are the friends you aren't sure you can be "you" without.
As I reflected on these friendships in my life, I found myself returning to Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times." When I was in college, I was blessed with a group of 6 friends. As we moved our different ways, we held onto these words, "a friend loves at all times." I realized, though, that I was applying these words to them and not checking them on myself. When I look at the people around me and the friendships that I have, am I being the "friend who loves at all times?" Or, am I getting so stuck in my own head that I fail to be that friend.
My mom has always said that the "best way to have a friend is to be one." (I know these words didn't start with her, but she said them, so I will give her credit). Perhaps, that is the lesson my 10-year old daughter and my 39-year old self needs to hear the most. Perhaps, rather than looking at what people do or don't do; how they act or don't act, the true question lies with me. How do I treat those around me? Am I a friend?
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